Black Men Broke Me…And God Used Them to Build Me
There are stories that I don’t rush to tell. But to understand my life and why I speak with conviction on certain things, context is necessary.
This space isn’t for clickbait. I’ve never been one to be messy online. I write publicly out of obedience to the Father—not for the approval or applause of man.
For years, I’ve been meeting women where they are:
Executive women who look perfect on the outside but are unraveling inside; crushed by the weight of success in the world but the guilt and shame of failure at home.
Leading ladies in ministry who are put on pedestals but don’t have safe spaces to process pain or betrayal.
Women tricked and trampled by trauma: run down, run over, and left feeling like they’ve lost themselves.
Young women with unique callings: who don’t have mentors, mothers, or guides to navigate a life most won’t understand.
I’ve been working on my own healing and growth, and I’ve been helping other women do the same: sharing stories, unpacking pain, identifying purpose markers, strategizing next steps, and cheering them into their next season.
A Failed Marriage
I was the little girl who dreamed of being a wife and mother, not the wedding, not the flowers, but the family.
My 11+ year marriage ended in 2017. It wasn’t impulsive; it was intentional. I had prayed. Sought godly counsel. Read books. Gone to therapy. Sacrificed. Fought. I even joined a support group for Christian wives.
When I filed for divorce, it was a clear decision for my sanity, my safety, and the stability of my children.
I am not an advocate for divorce—but I am an advocate for the wellbeing of women.
The Lord told me: “It’s not the bottom; it’s the beginning.” I live by this because I’ve walked it.
Healing & Preparation
After the divorce, I stumbled along for several years, figuring out how to rebuild my life financially and emotionally and how to cast a vision for a reality that I didn’t expect.
In 2019, I began praying that God would send healthy role models for my sons. He answered. But the miracle wasn’t just in the men who appeared—it was in how God healed and restored me through them.
Black Men Broke Me…And Built Me
I had been overlooked, disrespected, and taken advantage of by men who should have loved and protected me. Black men broke me. And yet, God used Black men to rebuild me.
Through godly Black men, I received:
Wise counsel about finances
Practical help for my sons
Spiritual mentorship and guidance
Encouragement, acknowledgment, and respect
Even men who were strangers carried on conversations that challenged, corrected, or inspired me. These men weren’t taking from me, they were restoring what had been stolen in childhood and marriage.
God had a man in mind for me…but I had to heal, prepare, and position myself first.
Standards That Were Set
When I was younger, trauma and shame kept me from demanding the love I deserved. Here’s what I committed to as part of my preparation:
No continued conversation with broken men. For the life of me, I can’t understand why 35+ women are still carrying that “Let me just see” energy.
Refusing to be the “Plan B” woman…if I wasn’t his first choice, I wasn’t his choice because he wouldn’t be mine.
Shared values, interests, and lifestyle alignment. Some women are unclear on what they want or where they fit, and then they date haphazardly.
Putting a lock on my hotbox (Chileee…..I may host a Zoom call for this)
Inner work: therapy and journaling, to maintain boundaries but still show kindness and respect to men, even when they weren’t for me.
Filtering every man through the lens of purpose: Would I be an ideal helpmeet for his life and calling? Would he help or hinder mine?
I made a list of non-negotiables, but ultimately, it was my surrender to Christ that produced the discernment and strength to position myself for a godly husband.
Resources That Guided Me
Therapy—non-negotiable for myself and any man I would consider.
Bishop R.C. Blakes (YouTube + books)—practical wisdom for women.
God Is a Matchmaker – Derek Prince—how God prepares you for marriage.
Understanding the Purpose & Power of Women/Men – Dr. Myles Munroe—foundational kingdom teaching.
Marriage Matters + For Married Women Only – Tony Evans—short, practical, transformational reads best digested before marriage.
The Cheat Code: Accountability
We love community. We love friendship. But accountability? Many shy away.
Accountability requires ownership and submitting to counsel that can see what you cannot.
In 2020, God gave me a true pastor, a father figure, who prayed, counseled, and vetted any man who seriously desired to know me. His wisdom, experience, and spiritual authority made it nearly impossible to get it wrong.
The Beginning Again
My prayer is simple: fewer single women, more well-loved wives.
If you’re standing at your own beginning, after heartbreak, betrayal, or loss, don’t give up. God restores. But restoration requires:
Healing
Standards
Accountability
Your obedience today is the seed for your next season. Your beginning carries more weight than you realize.
Are you in a season of preparation? Do you resonate with my process? What steps are you taking to position yourself for the love and life God has for you?
So appreciative of you and sharing your truths and THE Truth! Your candor and transparency in here strikes directly at my own journey, while speaking many confirmations.